Some Relationships Are No Accident
03:45pm , 24 Jun 2009   Article: 2469

I am not a mechanic, but I do know that if your automobile suddenly shudders and bucks, you may have a problem, especially if these symptoms are accompanied by the unexpected appearance of a Cadillac bumper in your back seat. When this happened to me a few days ago, I quickly realized I'd been rear-ended in the rear end!

I'm a pretty good driver, but I find a car crash to be something of a distraction. Deciding not to proceed through the intersection with a Cadillac in tow, I put my vehicle in park and turned on my emergency flashers to let other drivers know I knew how to turn on my emergency flashers. Within seconds, traffic virtually halted, drivers gawking because there is nothing more fascinating than a Oldsmobile with an Eldorado in its trunk.

The car that struck me was built pre-OPEC, a brontosaurus of a machine with a front hood large enough to land a small plane on. It was meticulously maintained and polished, its gleaming metal scratch-free with the exception of the part that was now residing inside the Oldsmobile.

12 Bugs I've Found In iPhone OS 3.0
04:30pm , 18 Jun 2009   Article: 2468

1. Multimedia messaging does not support sculpture, macrame, or interpretive dance.
2. Voice memo recordings totally don't sound like me. I don't sound like that, do I? Seriously?
3. Turned on adult content filter but everybody in my videos still has their clothes on.
4. Adding a task to calendar did not result in task getting done.
5. Clicked this blue "compass" icon but kept getting some stupid web browser.
6. Still no apps to cure the nagging feeling that I should've bought a Palm Pre.
7. The touchscreen is now on the back of the phone instead of the front.
8. Gone to the bathroom four times already today, and Remote Wipe hasn't worked once.
9. Spotlight search crashed with memory overload error trying to index my Harry Potter cosplay photo collection.
10. Tried out tethering, but I think I broke my finger smacking that phone around the pole.
11. Apple still hasn't fixed the no-hardware-keyboard bug.
12. "Cut" function does not apply to monthly AT&T bill.

Bedtime for the Boy
07:49pm , 17 Jun 2009   Article: 2467

I was once asked during a job interview, "If you could be anybody in the world, who would it be?" I replied honestly, "My 5-year-old son."

The same interviewer, reading from a list of questions, also asked, "If you could be any kind of animal, what would you be?"

I guess I was supposed to reply "panther," a sleek predator hunting for prey in the corporate jungle, or maybe "eagle," soaring regally, taking in the big picture and yet able to instantly spot trouble on the ground. Instead, I said, "Bunny rabbit."

I didn't get the job.

I stand by my answer, though. One summer it was my job to take care of the neighbor's rabbits, and it didn't take long for me to reach the conclusion that bunnies spend most of their time industriously working on making other bunnies. What other animal would you want to be?

The Awful Truth About Calories
03:00pm , 17 Jun 2009   Article: 2466

After considerable research, I have reached the conclusion that some foods contain insidious, evil little things called "calories."

A "calorie" is the amount of energy it takes to raise 1 kilogram of water (2.2 pounds) by 1 degree Celsius. A gallon of vanilla ice cream has 2,320 calories in it, which is why, if you accidentally knock a carton of ice cream into a sink full of water, the water will instantly start boiling.

Food has calories so that you'll look fat at your high school reunion. They sneak into your body with every mouthful, so the best way to reduce them is to chew carefully and then not swallow.

Ironically, calories themselves are tasteless, but the foods that taste the best generally have more calories. (When I say "ironically," I mean "tragically.") For example, I can have tuna-noodle casserole for dinner, and my body will absorb almost no calories — but that's mainly due to my gag reflex. Ice cream, however, is another matter.

Pass the Polenta
12:09pm , 15 Jun 2009   Article: 2465

When American chefs call it by its Italian name, polenta, it undergoes some sort of transformation. So chic. Exotic. Expensive. This is quite a jump in social status for a dish that in the South we call cornmeal mush - or yellow grits.

Yet back in Italy polenta has always been a staple of the poor. Peasants harvested corn in the fall and air-dried the cobs in their husks over the winter. In the springtime, they milled the ripe kernels into the stone-ground meal that formed the staple of their diet. Italian grandmothers would say an extra rosary to see such pauper fare put on a pedestal. Polenta of all things!

Polenta is family food. Warm to the mouth, creamy to the tongue, soothing to the throat, and filling to the stomach. Mama feeds it to her baby when his teeth are coming in. Papa feeds it to his mama when her teeth have fallen out. You feed it to the sick because it's bland. You feed it to the poor because it's cheap. When you're lonely, you feed it to yourself because it reminds you of home.

So the next time you see a menu charging $22.95 for mushroom polenta, remember there is a soul food joint down the street that will fill both you stomach and your soul for $4.95.

Newspaper Links
03:37pm , 8 Jun 2009   Article: 2464

There's no such thing as too much news, so use the links below to find a new favorite news source.

Where's David
10:59am , 13 May 2009   Article: 2462

I'm sure that since so many of you live your lives vicariously through my postings here and on Twitter (yeah - right!), I thought you'd like to be able to track my movements around the globe. Now, thanks to Google's Latitude you can keep track of which glamorous city I'm currently visiting any time by going to http://www.schronce.net/where.html

I've limited it to only show the city I'm in and not the exact location. It's only because you must already be mentally unbalanced to read this in the first place, so I'm just protecting myself...

Alaska Internet Pipeline Project Completed
01:00pm , 6 May 2009   Article: 2461

It has been a long and difficult process bringing the Internet to the Arctic, but with the completion of the new Alaska Internet Pipeline, residents of the 49th State will now be able to access the World Wide Web. The advanced new data pipeline, which can pump up to 9.6 gigabits of data per second (depending on the temperature), will bring a steady flow of information to the frozen Northern region.

The news is welcoming to the 18,000 residents of Alaska, who until now had relied solely upon merchant ships, sled-dogs, and four archaic teletype machines to communicate information to the rest of the world. But Alaskans will soon have the ability to send emails, hang around chatrooms, and download adult material, which will help pass the time during those eleven-month-long winters.

The 48-inch diameter broadband pipeline stretches from Seattle, Washington to Anchorage, Alaska, covering a total distance of 2,200 miles, including 1,600 miles through the Canadian province of British Columbia. The three-inch thick pipe is insulated to reduce packet loss, and a team of binary hazard specialists is on permanent standby to minimize any electronic environmental damage in the event that the pipeline leaks or bursts.

Alaska pipeline, Alaskan Internet, Alaska Internet Pipeline This data pumping station will ensure that a steady flow of information reaches Alaska. The pipeline, which took nine years to construct, was an expensive endeavour, costing over four billion dollars to build. The Alaskan government intends to make that money back in the form of a technology tax, and from pop-under ad revenues from their state-owned Eskimos Gone Wild website.

Nine digital pumping stations will guarantee that a steady flow of data reaches the Alaskans, and a cold storage facility has been built at the end of the pipeline that can store up to 9,600 terabytes of information. The facility is heated to 67 degrees Fahrenheit using a series of overclocked Pentium 2 processors to ensure that Alaskan computers don't freeze up.

Alaskans, who have been accustomed to writing hand-written personal letters and postcards, will need to develop their typing skills in order to transition to their new Internet accessibility. Community resource centers are already offering night-time classes to teach Alaskans basic typing fundamentals--but unfortunately residents will have to wait, because it won't be dark until October.

Senior Exercise
09:46am , 4 May 2009   Article: 2460

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room on each side.

With a five-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold the position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10-pound potato sack. Then 50-pound potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Presidential Promises
12:35pm , 1 May 2009   Article: 2459

It is not the purpose of this column to keep watch over the kind and number of campaign promises kept versus broken. That is the purpose of almost every other column.

There is, however, one presidential promise that is relevant to this space: that of a new dog for the first family.

Back in November, Barack Obama made the promise heard 'round the world: Should the Obamas find themselves living in the White House come January, Sasha and Malia would get a dog as a reward for their patient understanding of excessive parental absence during the presidential campaign.

Well, the Obamas are in. And, after much ado, the breed of dog has been chosen: A Portuguese water dog arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue shortly after Spring Break.