It's snowing in Cleveland and I need to put together dinner for my consulting team - something warm and delicious that will keep them at the table for a while and let them forget about their computers upstairs and the snow outside. I wanted to make an authentic Spanish chickpea chorizo cocido (stew), but:
A. I can't find REAL Spanish ham (pata negra or a hunk of Serrano) on the bone.
B. I didn't have any homemade chicken stock in my hotel room refrigerator.
C. It's too late to soak my chickpeas overnight.
D. I am not in sunny Spain and it just isn't the same.
However, with a few substitutions this version should be very good in its own right!
I am not going to call it a "dumbed down" version, just because it doesn't take all day to make - I actually think of it as "smartened up!" I used canned chickpeas, a box of chicken stock, and Serrano ham in the package. Luckily, my market has authentic Spanish chorizo. I made this soup/stew in less than an hour.
This is the perfect cold weather soup/stew. The heat from the chorizo opens your sinuses and this makes for a wonderful hearty winter meal.
A Hypochondriac’s Dilemma
08:38am , 12 Sep 2011 Article: 2508
Because I’m technically over 50, it’s been a bad year for me health-wise. I’ve had a host of ailments, including appendicitis attack, spleen disruptions, and liver migrations, all made worse by the fact that my doctor doesn’t agree that I’ve had any of them. Instead, he says I have mild hypochondria, which is silly—I have major hypochondria!
A hypochondriac is a rare and delicate person who gets a disease just by hearing about it. So when, for example, I heard about a rare disease called Cornu Cutaneum, in which a four-inch horn grows out of the center of one’s forehead, I knew for certain I had it. Panicked because I didn’t think I could make a living as a rhinoceros, I phoned my doctor and told him I had all the symptoms of the illness.
“You have a four-inch horn growing from your head?” he demanded.
“All the symptoms except that one,” I amended.
“Like?”
“Like, I’m starting to find elephant skin very attractive, and I have an increasing urge to head-butt a Land Rover.”
“All right,” my doctor said after a lengthy pause, “put sun block on the affected area.”
How to Boil Water
04:10am , 12 Sep 2011 Article: 2507
There is a prevailing theory that we need to know much more than we do in order to feed ourselves well. It isn’t true. Most of us already have water, a pot to put it in, and a way to light a fire. This gives us boiling water, in which we can do more good cooking than we know.
Our culture frowns on cooking in water. A pot and water are both simple and homely. It is hard to improve on the technology of the pot, or of the boil, leaving nothing for the cookware industry to sell.
The pot was invented 10,000 years ago, and a simmering one has been a symbol of a well-tended hearth ever since. I don’t mean to suggest that now that you have been reminded of the age and goodness of a pot of water, you start boiling everything in your kitchen — but that instead of trying to figure out what to do about dinner, you put a big pot of water on the stove, light the burner under it, and only when it’s on its way to getting good and hot start looking for things to put in it.
In that act, you will have plopped yourself smack in the middle of cooking a meal. And there you’ll be, having retrieved a pot, filled it, and lit a burner, jostled by your own will a few steps farther down the path toward dinner.
I guess I "cheated" but I don't care
06:38am , 17 Aug 2011 Article: 2506
The other day my attention was drawn to a post in an online "newspaper" where some blogger not only said that having weight loss surgery was taking the easy way out and cheating but also that, if you didn't agree with her, you were the kind of person who enables drug addicts!!
Part of me thought the whole thing was too stupid to respond to, but then I found out that not only was she holding herself up as example of how to lose weight the "right" way -- by eating only 500 calories a day and indulging in the sort of exercise program normally associated with exercise anorexia, but that lately (because somehow that didn't result in permanent weight loss – go figure), she's jumped on the whole juice fast craze and I just had to respond. (I admit it. It was the juice fasting pushed me over the edge.)
First of all, when did doing something the hard way become a morally superior option vs. being smart about it and using whatever tools are available to you? In all other aspects of our lives, using tools is seen as smart, not cheating. But in weight loss apparently the only true path has to involve suffering. Lots and lots of suffering.
You Can’t Talk to My Back Right Now, It’s Out
03:38am , 16 Jul 2011 Article: 2505
I've never actually seen my back, but I know it’s there. I can feel its presence whenever it “goes out,” as they say, as if it has gotten dressed up and gone on a date—a date with pain.
My back is out right now, though I’m taking messages for it: Agony called and would like a session as soon as possible, and Torture phoned to say it admires my back’s work and feels outclassed.
I admit I was foolish, and deserve my pain for having done something reckless: I stood up. My back said “Whoa, what’s this crazy thing we’re doing, standing up for no reason? That’s it, I’m out.” This despite the fact that my doctor has prescribed me a whole series of back-strengthening exercises to avoid. (The avoiding part was my idea, based on the fact that if my back goes out for just standing up, imagine what it will do if I start twisting and stretching it.)
Attack of the Marshmallow-Eating Alligator
11:15am , 1 Feb 2011 Article: 2503
Back in the 1980s, my mother's brother Dick and and his wife Emily, moved to Florida because they wanted a better climate to argue in. They had one of those relationships where they fought so much they couldn't even agree on what they disagreed on.
Their little home in Florida was a few dozen yards from a boggy pond that kept trying to evolve into a swamp. Dick liked to go down to the water's edge and feed marshmallows to the small alligator who lived there, probably hoping that one day it would grow large enough that he could feed it Emily. Emily would stand at the screen door and yell at him that he was going to be sent to prison for feeding wildlife, but when she called the DA's office, they refused to run a sting operation on her husband even though she promised to testify.
I saw the alligator one time: It looked like a half-submerged suitcase. Uncle Dick would toss the marshmallow into the water, and the thing would swim over to it so slowly the water never rippled, opening and closing its mouth without drama, then sit in the water and regard Dick with an unwinking lack of gratitude.
New TSA Scanners - "Don't touch my junk Bro!"
08:22am , 1 Dec 2010 Article: 2502
Flying back from Memphis last week, I encountered my first of the new TSA body scanners. As you no doubt know, with the new ones you HAVE to remove your belt and everything from your pockets. I’ve recently lost a bunch of weight, so when I “assumed the position” with my hands over my head, my trousers dropped straight to my ankles. There were laughs. I just flashed my biggest grin and waited for the nice gentleman to wave me on. Thank goodness for my new smaller boxer shorts!!
Top Ten Diet Myths
08:18am , 20 Oct 2010 Article: 2501
According to Health.com, about 80 million Americans each year go on a diet, spending $40 billion annually on weight-loss aids and programs. Since dieting takes up so much of our collective consciousness, you'd think we would know everything there is to know about the facts of weight loss. Unfortunately, this isn't true--myths about dieting abound in magazines, weight-loss books and online diet sites and are interwoven into society's conventional wisdom. One of the best ways you can get on the path to real, lasting weight loss is to identify and understand the myths and misconceptions about dieting that can keep you from getting the pounds off and keeping them off.
Skipping Meals
Ask most people and they will tell you that the key to losing weight for good--and the reason why they fail at dieting again and again--is to skip as many meals as possible. Eating fewer meals is good, right? Wrong. The National Institutes of Health's Weight-Control Information Network reports that skipping meals--particularly breakfast--and eating fewer meals in the day is linked to heavier weight than people who eat small meals four or five times a day, including breakfast.
Dear Action Movies
10:18am , 21 Sep 2010 Article: 2500
Dear Action Movies,
I've been watching you for a long time now and have gotten to know you pretty well, but I think that in order for our relationship to keep growing, there are a few questions I need you to answer.
First, you know those scenes where the Hero is standing in a circle of bad guys, and they all attack him, and he manages to fight them all off? How come the bad guys all wait their turn — is that some sort of bad-guy etiquette thing? Because it seems to me, if I were watching this Hero kicking and punching my buddies into oblivion, I might be tempted to turn to the bad guy next to me and say, "Why don't we both try at the same time?"
And I know I sure as heck wouldn't run up to the Hero and then stand there patiently, waiting for my turn to get killed.
The Beer Man Knows What Ales You
08:35am , 20 Sep 2010 Article: 2499
On a hot summer’s day, there’s nothing as soothing to the ears as the soft melodic jingles of TV sports theme music, sweet sounds that indicate the close proximity of the local neighbourhood beer man. At the recognition of these welcoming tunes, husbands and boyfriends scramble for wallets and spare change, frantic to reach the source of the luring music.
Like the songs of a siren, beer music draws men from miles around. When the beer truck slowly rolls up your street, neighbourhood activity comes to a stand-still, as the cries of “the beer man is coming! The beer man is coming!” echo throughout the streets.
“When I hear that beautiful truck coming, I rush right out to buy a Miller, or a Budweiser, or maybe a refreshing Yuengling,” said Donald Friesen, local resident. “…that is, if my wife lets me.”
‘Have You Found Jesus?’ Question Baffles
08:27am , 20 Sep 2010 Article: 2498
Brian McKeever was doing a bit of antique shopping last Thursday when he was approached by Jim Devaney, minister of the 3rd LaCucaracha Church of Christ. Devaney had one simple question for Mr. McKeever, “Have you found Jesus?”
The good preacher was not prepared for the conversation that took place after his query, though. The inquiry brought about concern and confusion, rather than the intended discussion about spirituality and evangelism. This was apparent almost immediately, when McKeever asked Devaney, “Is he missing? When did you last see him?” and then began frantically searching the New Church Street sidewalk.
“No, no. Have you found Jesus in your life, son?” countered Devaney as he calmly reassured McKeever that no one was physically missing. “Well,” said McKeever, “no, but then again, I wasn’t really looking.”
AZ Native Americans Vow to Deport All Non-Native Americans
06:23am , 20 Sep 2010 Article: 2497
The Navajo, Hopi, all Apache Nations and all other Native Americans who presently reside in Arizona have joined forces in an effort to show the haughty Arizona residents just exactly who has every right to be in that State.
Said Chief Standing Wolf, “it is not those of European decent who should be making the laws of this state, but we, the tribal people, who have been suppressed for too long. Our ancestors have been here for thousands of years, while the white man only came a few hundred years ago. Yet, it is the white man who wants to make ridiculous laws and keep everything lily white. We can no longer stand by and let this happen.”
Short of declaring war on the Arizona government, Chief Standing Wolf instead issued a warning “reverse your laws entitling only English-speaking people to inhabit Arizona. Only then will we back down and allow peace to again grace Arizona, but if you deny our fellow red and brown men their rightful place in this state, there will be bloodshed.”
Of course, Chief Standing Wolf was speaking in his native tongue, so the lawmakers in the State weren’t exactly sure what the message was.
Tang's Final Mission
05:27am , 20 Sep 2010 Article: 2496
The space shuttle Atlantis, carrying a crew of six, a Russian docking module and twelve gallons of Tang, vaulted into orbit Friday on a 12-day space station assembly mission, the final planned flight for the orange-flavored drink after nearly a half-century of service.
"This is a sad day for all of us, as we retire this essential component of the American space program," said NASA administrator Charles Bolden. "However, it's important for us to look forward. Our orbital beverage technology simply cannot remain viable if we continue to support systems developed before the moon landing."
NASA has been pressured to discontinue the Tang program for years. However the focus on building the International Space Station and struggling to develop mission plans for new missions to the moon and Mars have distracted NASA officials from investing in a suitable alternative. The impending retirement of the space shuttle, however, has left the agency with no choice.
Lucifer, prince of darkness, is complaining that Facebook has changed the terms of its contract with him and that the social networking site is seeking to capitalize off of information on his unholy network of friends.
"I at no time specified that information about the thirteen Demons that Must Not Be Named could be resold to internet marketing corporations," Lucifer told reporters at his home in D.C. the other day. "The demons just cosigned the contract as witnesses! Now they're getting targeted spam and have all been automatically signed up with Farmville accounts!"
Facebook, the leading social networking site with over 400 million registered users, has increasingly come under fire for its constantly shifting privacy standards and for disingenuously sharing the vast amounts of personal information it aggregates with marketers across the world.
I've read that an average dog possesses a vocabulary of 200-300 words, which is enough for him to have his own Twitter account. Most people won't buy their dogs a smartphone, though, so you don't see too many canines tweeting their friends unless they have access to a computer.
Probably from the dogs' point of view there are a lot of words they would just as soon not know. Here's an excerpt from a dog's wiki-dictionary of known words:
Confession is Good for the Soul
07:49am , 6 Aug 2010 Article: 2493
After a week of making remarkable progress on my new pre-op eating program I had a lapse in sanity. I was so proud of myself and now I feel like a guilty little boy who stole the contents of the cookie jar.
I was on my way home when I passed a local fried chicken joint and the smell of their crispy fried chicken attacked and overwhelmed me, which was easy, as the belt around my waste is really just a fence around a chicken grave yard. I spun the car around and grabbed a box to take home. I told myself, "I'll just have one small piece..."
Apparently opening the box revealed the chink in my armor because I TORE IT UP! I attacked that chicken with the ferocity of a starving hyena. Oh my goodness, it was delicious! When the box was 1/2 empty my sanity returned, I wiped the chicken grease from my hands and face and sat down with a bottle of water to calm down. My wife looked at me strangely...
I'm sane again today. The rest of the chicken went in the trash and I'm back on my protein shakes again. I usually have so much self-control - I had no idea that could happen to me. I've resolved to learn from the experience and reroute my drive to avoid the chicken joint near dinner time - however that sends me past a Krispee Kreme! Dear God, please don't let the "Hot Now!" light be on!
Language of Cookies
12:53pm , 27 Jul 2010 Article: 2492
If cookies, like flowers, can be a gift of love, why shouldn't cookies be able to communicate as specifically? There are certainly enough kinds of cookies around that assigning a meaning to each type would provide a very large range of messages.
Date Cookies, for example, mean "Will you go out with me?" Date-Honey Cookies are a somewhat bolder
statement: "Will you go out with me, *honey*?" Poppy Seed
Cookies are for when you want to say "Your father is becoming disheveled." Cherry Bars mean "You stay out drinking so much that your nose is turning red." If you send somebody a Sand Tart or two, that means "If you wear such a skimpy bathing suit to the beach, people will get the wrong idea about you." Want your roommate to fork over for half of the groceries? Make some Toll House Cookies. Sugar Nut Cookies mean "I'm nuts about you, sugar," while any of the wide variety of Refrigerator Cookies signifies an intention to give the recipient the cold shoulder....
Lawsuit Party Animal
12:04pm , 24 Jul 2010 Article: 2491
I’m a party in a lawsuit.
A person involved in a lawsuit is called a “party” with the same ironic misuse of language that a person who has been sitting in a doctor’s waiting room for 2.5 hours is called a “patient.” There’s no party that I can see, though I suppose it is true that everyone there has received a written invitation.
The fun starts with the deposition, a process by which the attorneys for the other side ask a series of mind-numbing questions in an effort to prove that your lawsuit is completely boring. Here’s some of the actual transcript from my deposition:
Sing Along with Mice
02:20pm , 18 Jun 2010 Article: 2490
There are many creatures on this planet that cannot sing; if you doubt me, just watch an episode of American Idol. Indeed, scientists argue that while animals such as dogs, cows, and goats can vocalize, they aren’t actually singing, because the noises they’re making are as tuneless and unmelodic as, say, a song by Michael Bolton.
According to recent AP story, researchers at the Washington University School of Medicine have added a new species to the list of animals who can sing: mice.
Apparently, when a male mouse spots a female mouse, he’ll start singing romantic mouse songs to her like There Are No Cats in America. The female mouse signals her appreciation by leaning on the piano and putting a dollar in the tip jar.
Disclaimer: The articles on these pages probably aren't true. Names may have been changed or made up - or not. Quotes are most likely fictitious - or not... Opinions expressed do not necessarily represent those of the author - maybe...
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