David was born as a baby in a small town behind the wall in western North Carolina in June of 1951, so how he can claim to be 39 years old is anybody's guess. The first several weeks of his life were largely uneventful, with most of his limited attention directed towards eating, a habit that he still practices to this day. At just three years of age, the boy developed an unhealthy interest in baboons. This would go on to play an important role in his life. Just before his fourth birthday his parents and siblings moved to Sanford, NC - a small town in Central North Carolina where the main tourist attraction was the lump on the mayor’s forehead.. Not to be undone by their trickery, he sneaked into the car and accompanied them. Although the remainder of his early records are sealed by court order, we can tell you that, outside of once being bitten by the tooth fairy, he had a "typical childhood" with his "parents". Later he attended, and was often asked to leave, several major colleges and universities in numerous states, finally earning a Masters Degree in Technical Theatre and Doctorates in both Psychology and Parapsychology.

In 1974 he entered the record books as the first man to break all Ten Commandments in all fifty states in fifty days. Although the June 2-3 Missouri/Kansas cross border murder/idolatry spree casts a pall over the record, David remains proud of his accomplishment. It was during this period that David developed the ability to light a cigarette while handcuffed. David was also involved in many, various contacts with alien cultures during his travels to the Aztec temples in Central Mexico. He considers these to be of great importance as this seemed to be a factor in his being the largest known repository of the Alpha Centauri IV (known locally as Pligbodop) language and culture.

David has been known to occasionally imbibe in the consumption of adult beverages. Friends have noted that when he eats peanuts you can hear them splash.

After many years working for small companies, David went on to found and destroy a number of businesses of his own.   Since he is no longer allowed to experiment with weapons of mass destruction, he makes his living as a Senior Systems Consultant for Lawson Software.

He is married with 2 sons. He can't explain how any of this happened. His poor wife is very understanding.

David enjoys acting in local plays and performing stand-up comedy, unless prevented by a restraining order, and relates a much more interesting story of his life when he does so because, well, frankly, he lies a lot.